Reflection

It's been a little over a year since life as I knew it was going to change in so many ways. I often wonder if the decisions I made were smart, or the right ones. About two years ago I had everything I thought at one time I had always wanted from a professional standpoint. But I was miserable. I hated my job, the pressures, the hours, the feeling of struggling to keep up in an environment where some people appeared to so easily grow while others had to work so hard to just keep up.

I had always been obsessed with all things food. I often imagined in my head what kind of things I could do to get me closer to it. My original thought was the "simple" way. Continue to do what I do, but for a Company in the culinary industry. Work for Food and Wine Magazine or another publication in the food world. What about Food Network? Certainly they have the needs for finance/accounting folks. I found it impossible to even get noticed by these industries. They wanted people with industry experience. Didn't even want to see my resume. And I was constantly questioned as to why I wanted to make the industry change. "You know, your gonna have to take a pay cut, right? Why would you even want to do something like that?"

WHY? First of all, I thought that decision was personal to me. None of your gosh darn business frankly as to why I would be willing to do so. But if you really want to know, here is why. Because I want to be part of an organization where I feel passionate about what my company does. I hated where I was. I could have cared less about things the Company was doing, and frankly I would have been totally fine to have seen them go down in flames with their peers. When you feel that way, you KNOW your time is done. For a year I tried to find something else. Anything outside of the finance industry, but over and over again it was the same struggle.

Then there were all the layoffs. I saw so many of my colleagues lose their job in a course of 9 months. At first I was scared. What if that happened to me? How would I live, pay rent, do anything???? It's hard enough now trying to find a job while still employed, how will I ever find one while not employed? After the second round of layoffs, one of my close friends was let go. That's when it finally hit me. You know what, you can still be OK. We are all smart and ambitious people who never would have been in this situation in the first place if that was not the case. Was I happy? No. I was just too chicken to give up a financial security blanket to pursue what I really wanted. But if that blanket was to be pulled out from underneath me would it be all that bad? Nope. I would be fine. I would be happy. I would be relieved of all the stress and built up hate I had for my career.

The day before I was laid off, I knew it was going to happen. I just had this feeling. I even cleaned out some of my stuff. Re-organized my personal papers, emails, etc, to make it as easy as possible for me to leave should I have to. I worked late that night too. It was a busy time of the year. I remember being so unhappy about being there late that I said to my co-worker, I wish I knew for sure if I was going to get laid off tomorrow because if so I would just go home now and not even attempt to meet this deadline. I was stressed. I had no idea how I was going to get through the next week and get everything done. And I was unmotivated which made it 1000 time worse.

The next morning I walked out of my apartment and headed to the subway to work. It was a beautiful day. Unseasonably warm for a December morning. I remember looking down at what I was wearing and saying to myself, "So, this is going to be outfit I wear when I lose my job". I had a backpack with me to put my personal stuff in should it be the day. I was not scared. I was ready to face whatever the day had in store.

The morning went as usual. Trying to continue to get through year end close. Still stressing over all the unattainable deadlines. Chasing people over the phone and email to get their stuff done. Then at about 11am, my phone rang. It was my boss asking me to stop by. There it was. I was gone. I walked into his office. He gave me about a 1 minute speech about how they "could no longer continue my employment", and slid me a piece of paper that had instructions as to where to meet HR on another floor, and a brief summary of my package. I went back to my office, packed up my things (which took all of 10 seconds since I was already packed and prepared), and headed out. As I was heading to the elevator, I saw my colleague walk towards my bosses office - him too, huh?

The elevator doors opened on the thirty-something floor and an HR rep was waiting right in the elevator bank. Gosh I guess they don't want you to have any doubts as to where to go. He immediately asked me to hand him my ID and said, "Follow me this way, Beth". I followed him into one of the empty classrooms where another HR rep was waiting for me. I sat down, she handed me a manila envelope and started babbling about what was in it. I don't think I heard what she said. All I noticed was that they had a box of tissues there next to the envelope. Are you kidding me? You think I'm SAD?????? Ha ha, you got me all wrong. I handed her my blackberry and headed on my way. When I got to the lobby escalator I remember standing on it as I went down and I literally felt the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders. All that work I was stressed about? In a instant it was no longer my problem. It was gone. I was free.

Within six hours I had booked my ticket, and 4 days later I boarded a plane and headed to Aruba.